Spain, UK & Bulgaria. 2006. Directed by Nacho Cerda. Written by Karim Hussain. Starring: Anastasia Hille, Karel Roden & Valentin Goshev
Rating: ★
Second horror film ticked off my list. 'The Abandoned' started out with so much potential. But usually films that build up that much tension & mystery always tend to disappoint because no revelation is going to satisfy you at that point. So if they do succeed, it'll blow your mind! or flop really badly. And in the case of 'The Abandoned' it disappointed indeed.
The first 5 minutes of the film was gripping, it captured my attention immediately. The film had a really great build up. There were lots of twists and turns & the tension continued to build up.Then it got to the point which became too confusing & so many questions where left unexplained. Leaving me feeling frustrated & annoyed.
There were a few creepy scenes, but the good scenes were very brief followed by some badly made-up doppelgangers that followed the protagonists around. It grew tiresome to watch the same 2 people running around screaming with no resolution. They finally delivered the big reveal, which only left me thinking... what a stupid plot!!
USA & UK. 2007. Directed by Gregory Jacobs. Written by Joe Gangemi, Steven Katz. Starring: Emily Blunt, Ashton Holmes
Rating: ★ ★
I've seen the first movie from my horror list. Wind Chill! The other films are mostly foreign and are proving to be quite difficult to find. Either that or I found them without subtitles, which didn't help at all.
Unfortunately Wind Chill was a little too disappointing. There was a massive build up without much explanation. Which made me bored more than scared. There were so many holes in the story it was frustrating to watch. (e.g. what happened to the snow blow driver?!?!) And the ending was even more frustrating no resolutions, no explanations & no twists! It was a pointless film!
The ghosts weren't mysterious at all! It was meant to scare the viewers by making them think they were regular people trudging around. Then boom! they turn around and they've got crap plastered on their face. As you can see in the below picture. But that failed miserably, because the mysterious element is now out. & because you thought they were just people, the scare factor is also out.
There were plenty of great mystery build up & uncomfortable scenes throughout the film. But the scenes didn't lead to anything or add anything to the plot. Which made the film even more of a frustrating disappointment. Overall the film was a fail but Emily Blunt was cute, that's it.
Ever noticed how the box office always seems to release films in two? Confusing cinema goers making them rack their brains trying to decide on a film!
Here are a few examples to prove my point: - Killers vs. Knight & Day (2010) - Dante’s Peak vs. Volcano (1997) - The Prestige vs. the Illusionist (2006) - A Bugs Life vs. Antz (1998) - Deep Impact vs. Armageddon (1998)
Coincidence? I think not! But from looking at those titles, there’s always one that’s better quality than the other. And if you’re trying to decide which one is worth your time. Let me help you make that decision.
Both films are typical and predictable, definitely something for the ladies. Both portray a modern female character who are empowering and career focused & don’t want a serious relationship. But we can all guess what happens at the end, women hormones and emotions take over.
But if we’re going to compare the pair, ‘No Strings attached’ takes the cake hands down. The film's script takes on a much wittier approach and gave me a few chuckles and giggles. At the same time there were scenes that got me a little choked up. It was a good mix of comedy and romance like the genre suggests.
Not to mention Kutcher and Portman who were portraying these typical characters, seem to have more chemistry and didn’t make my skin crawl. Even the older wiser character in both films, played by Kline (Adam’s Father) had more of a distict characteristic and was flawed and funny as oppose to the ‘Friends with Benefits’ counterpart played by Clarkson (Jamie’s mother) who’s character failed to even resonate in my memory.
‘Friends with Benefits’ is a Justin Timberlake fans only film. Mila and Justin made a good effort, but if you’re looking for a film with a typical plot that would make you laugh and cry. You’d be better off checking out Reitman’s ‘No Strings Attached’ attempt.
Even though the 'No Strings attached' tagline appears to be directly ripping off 'Friends with Benefits'. How I see it is, if you’re going to do something that’s been overdone and clichéd. Then do it well. And ‘No Strings Attached’ did just that.
**Spoiler Alert** My favourite scenes: ‘No Strings Attached’: Portman’s drunken jealous rage ‘Friends with Benefits’: Timberlake’s old school rapping (about the only part in the film that brought a smile to my face, only because I am a fan of his music)
USA. 2010. Directed by Michael Patrick King. Screenplay by Michael Patrick King, Candace Bushnell, Darren Star Story by Michael Patrick King. Starring: Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristen Davis, Cynthia Nixon Rating: ★½
The charm of the original 'Sex and the City' series is that women can relate to each of the awkward, ditsy, clumsy, sex crazed working gal. SATC2 bombed! It took all the charm away and presented a bunch of over-the-hill photoshopped New Yorkers on a glamorous all expense paid holiday. I didn't sign up for this shit! It was detached from reality and completely over the top. The girls are all well groomed in their perfect little lives, with their perfect apartments, loving husbands and massive wardrobes. Yet, still find pointless shit to complain about! Now they're just being spoilt difficult rich bitches. It makes me cringe.
**Spoiler Alert** The first scene already started on the wrong foot, with cheap gimmicks used in an exaggerated gay wedding with an ice palace, swans, choir singers and Liza Minnelli. Who looked like she was about to drop dead after her 'single ladies' performance *cringe again*. Followed by eye-rolling, gag worthy and head shaking scenes one after the other. No interesting controversial topics were brought up. No clever cute humour. All in all, a lame over the top exaggeration about nothing.
Usually I end it with my favourite stupid scene but the whole movie was so ridiculous, I say the worst part was going to the movies to see it in the first place. Short and sweet.
USA. 2010. Directed by Louis Leterrier. Screenplay by Travis Beachman, Phil Hay, Matt Manfredi. Story by Lawrence Kasdan. Starring: Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes
Rating: ★
I haven't had the chance to see the original 1981 Clash of the Titans but I believe even with the lack of technological special effects, it couldn't have been as bad as the crap that was churned out this year. The re-make had such promise with the all-star cast ensemble, the foundations of the original film and the intriguing Greek mythology that can fuel the plot. But instead of doing a little research and actually closely following the myths that were well thought out for hundreds of years. Producer/writers/directors decide to cheapen the project by turning it into another Hollywood action pack block-buster with no plot and wooden actors... WHHYYY?????
The first scene already got me rolling my eyes when a baby was found alive and well floating in a coffin that just rose from deep under the sea. The kid was taken in by a sweet fisherman’s family who brought him up to become the brooding, handsome hunk of muscle Perseus played by Sam Worthington. I’m always supporting rising Australian actors in Hollywood with full force. But Worthington’s losing me as a fan with his wooden facial expressions, monotone dialogue (with a very heavy Aussie accent that made me cringe) and awkward demeanor. Perseus then gets swept into the battle between the gods and the people when his family became casualties of war. He stumbles into the royal court where his demigod status is discovered which forces him into the journey to save the princess, destroy the gods to avenge his family. Typical plot that could have been substantial if done well, unfortunately in this Clash of the Titans (COTT) it wasn’t. COTT lacked story-telling, character development and explanations in focal scenes that left the audience hanging with no satisfaction.
The lonesome fisherman (who’s never picked up a battle sword in his life), single handedly fought off a hoard of soldiers with years of training. WTF!?!? I know you’re a demigod and all but that’s way too much BS one can handle, either that or the soldiers were all shit. In which case don’t wage war with the gods if you don’t have the goods!! The film was then followed by a series of eye-rolling, scoffing and choke worthy bullshit that I just was not able to accept. The heroes journey seemed irrelevant after the long sequence of heavily laden CGI fight action scenes & the laughable dialogue didn’t help bring the audience back onto the journey’s path at all. And was it me or did Zeus have a serious case of multiple personality disorder? One minute he appears to his son Perseus giving advice and offers help. The next he’s telling Hades to carry out the human slaughter with no mercy!?!? If I were Hera I would’ve advised my husband – the god of gods to seek psychological help. The one thing I thought didn’t make my head shake in disbelief was Hades (Ralph Fiennes) acting, his eerily cold appearance made me shiver at times and I have to say was a breath of fresh air in a film that had nothing else going for it.
One last thing I want to vent about. I’m sick of every movie becoming 3D just because it can. And I was stupid enough to follow the hype and go see COTT with those horrible glasses that fell off my nose every 3 seconds. It made the scenes blurry, darker and I didn’t see one bit of impressive eye popping 3D activity at all?!?! That was a big fat waste of money and headache inducing experience.
**Spoiler Alert** As always I’ll end it with my all time favourite scene/line that made me laugh out loud inappropriately. This time it was the all mighty Zeus who's guilty. In one of the final crucial scenes, he tells all the gods at the conference to leave him and Hades alone in the room. He slowly walks up the stairs and dramatically turns! and instead of having a private meaningful conversation that required the other gods to leave he utters ‘Release the raken!’ (oh no! it’s not a giant octopus it’s elephant man’s fucked up twin!) - WTF WTF WTF!!!
USA. 2009. Directed by Chris Weitz. Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg. Story by Stephenie Meyer. Starring: Kristen Bell, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner Rating: ½ Ok, so I knew this movie was going to be bad you knew it was going to be bad but I honestly didn’t think any film could consist of no positive notes whatsoever. Some films don’t have a great plot or require some character development but have great CGI to show for. ‘New Moon’ lacked substance, quality, artistry, the plot layout; soundtrack and actors were terrible and didn’t deliver any flare whatsoever to an already long winding and dull basic story telling ploy.
The movie began with Bella waking up next to a giant ‘Romeo & Juliet’ novel on her pillow immediately got me thinking this director is ‘highly’ skilled in the art of subtlety. The fact that they’re even trying to draw any parallels to a classic love story is, in my opinion slightly offensive as there was no development of love between the Twilight characters other than the superficial physical attraction. The whole 2hour ‘New Moon’ intensely follows Bella (Stewart) as she morosely goes about her day since Edward Cullen (Pattinson) left her. Which goes to show Bella is a whining, dependent, selfish and frankly stupid character as she disregards her family’s and friends’ feelings to become an adrenaline seeking suicidal tool to induce her hallucinations of Cullen. This is not someone who can be classified as a heroin in today’s empowering and independent society and if the youth can’t relate to this character, what is the point of dedicating an entire film on an uninteresting, miserable and superficial teenage girl!?! If I wanted to observe an emotionally insane teenage girl, I would’ve tailed my cousin’s ass for two hours.
The cheesy dialogue and absolutely appalling acting gave me a skin-crawling-eye-rolling-dry-heaving uncomfortable experience. Pattinson’s inappropriately painful expression for the whole 20minutes he was featured in the movie was confusing to watch, he had the same constipated stricken look for every situation. Lautner did nothing but act cool and expressionless for the first half of the movie, then prance around shirtless (with the same expression) for the rest and Stewart’s performance was atrocious! Batting eyelashes and stuttering in a monotone bored voice does not denote fear! (Yes, I’m talking about the scene when she announce “please don’t” after a hungry red-eyed vampire just called her ‘mouth watering’) I don’t know whether it’s their acting or the director’s request but someone should tell those kids to learn new expressions for different scenes!
Let’s not kid ourselves here ladies; we all went to see this horrid movie for the abs, it was all about the abs! The wolves pack were only in jean shorts for the entire duration of the movie and Pattinson even flashed his nipples and airbrushed six pack for the last half hour. It was hilarious to see women swoon over baby-faced Jacob’s (Lautner) ripped muscles like he was on the cover of a Mills & Boons novel when he unnecessarily took off his shirt and flexed his muscles because Bella bumped her head. I actually recommend this film for its superficiality if abs is the only thing you’re after in a film. Otherwise strictly Twilight crazed fans only.
And finally, how can i end without mentioning my favourite scene? You know how comedies have characters run through a serene and peaceful setting in slow motion to poke fun at certain situations as seen in Shrek and 40 Yr old Virgin? Well, New Moon manged to incorporate this classically amusing scene into a serious segment of the film. This left me in stitches and made me wonder if Stephanie Meyer really wrote these cheesy scenes or the director has once again made matters much worse by turning a adolescent fantasy into a childish comedy.
USA. 2009. Directed by Stephen Sommers. Screenplay by Stuart beattie, David Elliot, Paul Lovett. Story by Michael Gordon, Stuart Beattie, Stephen Sommers. Starring: Channing Tatum, Dennis Quid, Sienna Miller, Joseph Gorden-Levitt, Marlon Wayans, Rachel Nichols Rating: ★
Paramount Pictures and Hasbro, whose previous collaboration was the worldwide blockbuster ‘Transformers’ join forces with Spyglass Entertainment for another extraordinary action-adventure ‘G.I Joe’ – that’s what’s being marketed globally for this new flick. But don’t get your hopes up because if you’re expecting an actual plot and a clever/humorous dialogue banter between well developed characters. You’d have more luck watching half way through a Disney Pixar film.
The film was all action… and that’s it. Script, plot, the art of acting & characterisation was all completely fucked! Not that the screenwriters and director Stephen Sommers thought any of these film techniques would help make the movie a little more bearable. They seem determined to mainly deliver one high-octane, heavily CGI-laden ultimately deadening effect.
The film revolves around the idea of “the Joes” (not just the one all-American-hero G.I Joe) - now a massive underground secret service division with the best ops from all around the world cumulated into one unit…. Right… this is a seriously flawed foundation for the film to be base on since all I was asking throughout the film was, where’s the funding coming from? Didn’t anyone notice all their best soldiers disappearing? Why the hell are all these solders cocooperatively turning their back on their own countries to work for America? .... Weren’t any of these questions raised at all??? The government must all be fucken stupid in the near future. I mean… I’m all for good bullshit light entertaining actions films… but there’s only so much I can handle. And throwing in a whole heap of ‘the Mummy’ cast (Brendan Fraser, Arnold Vosloo & Kevin J. O’Connor) isn’t going to help the film whatsoever except maybe jack the budget up to make it seem like a bigger blockbuster film.
But hey! That’s just my opinion.
Don’t take my word for it; catch it in cinemas if you want to experience the mind numbing – eye rolling – ear and brain damaging film while it’s still available, because duds always get booted off the silver screens sooner than expected. Before i sign off i'd like to share my favourite line “You will now call me… COMMANDER! Muahhahaha!” – Hilarious... you’ll know what I mean when you see it. , ,
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